Funny Moments

We were at the movies in the bathroom and a girl was holding a bag of popcorn, you just stuck your hand into her bag and grabbed yourself a helping of her popcorn.  The poor girl about 10 years old looked at you then me in utter astonishment and held her bag closer to herself.  I apologized and took hold of both of your hands as we walked out of the bathroom.  

Also we have a man in our ward who you think looks like Presidnet Monson, and when you see him you don't hesitate to yell out to him "Hi President Monson" even if it's in the middle of sacrament.

We had a trunk-or-treat the day before your birthday at the church.  They had a photo booth there and Dad was passing out candy and I was talking with friends, keeping an eye on you every so often as you had fun on the grass.  When the pictures came back developed I was embarrassed to find you had gotten into many peoples pictures, weather you were sitting with them, or running in front of the camera just as she was taking it, but sure enough there you were just enjoying the photo shoot, all for you or so you thought! 

Summer 2013

Dear Malia

It's been so long since I last wrote, so much has happened I don't know where to begin. 
Well of course your potty training went out the window and we are back to changing your diaper.  You started second grade, and have a new teacher, the first time in 21/2 years.  You've done okay with the change, and your loving school! You turned 9 years old and had your first friend birthday party.  It was at the park by our house, very low key and you loved it.  It was a place you were comfortable with, and all people you knew and were comfortable with.  Leann Merkley in our ward made you a beautiful cake, which of course was Halloween themed, since you birthday is on Halloween.  Christina Andreson is working with you right now and she is adorable, you two are adorable together!! 

This summer turned your world upside down.  We enrolled you in a program called Brain Balance.  It's in St.George so we spent the summer with Grandma and Grandpa Thurgood where we enrolled you in this intense 90 day program.  We changed you to a gluten free, dairy free and sugar free diet.  Oh and not to mention screen free!! We did exercises with you 3-4 times a day that lasted between 30-60 minutes.  In between exercises and making food that you could eat we took you horse riding everyday, sometimes we would go hiking or swimming, just anything to get you outside and experiencing new things.  It was exhausting work, and seemed to take every ounce of energy, time and planning.   Then 3 days a week we would take you down to Brain Balance and you would have an hour long therapy session.  

When we started Brain Balance we were hoping to see great results, we were hoping to see signs of a child who could cope with the world around her better.  We had 2 goals for you, to get you potty trained and to see you gain some self control.  Unfortunately with all the money, time and frustration we didn't get the results we were hoping for.  Right at first you started sleeping in a bed which you hadn't ever done, I though "Oh my gosh, this is going to change our lives."  But besides you starting to sing a few words to a song we didn't see any change at all.  It was so discouraging to spend all that money, time, effort, and sacrifice on many people's lives to have them dashed after it was over.  

At the end when talking with Brain Balance they said because you do struggle so much, you would have to be in the program for a year or more before we would see any the real changes we were looking for. This was such a sad time for me, I could have screamed at the lady in charge when she gave me excuses why we didn't see the results we were hoping for.  The worst one was "Maybe you didn't really do all the therapy's at home that we told you to."  It's a good thing I can hold my tongue because I wanted to rip her one.  I felt cheated, lied to, used, and all the sacrifice and hard work that all of us, especially Grandma and Gramdpa Thrugood was thrown out the window with her shallow comments on it being our fault.  

More than being mad at her, I was sad for you.  All we wanted from this was to see you pull out of your cloudy and frustrating world.  We wanted to see you talk with us and be able to express your true feelings, we wanted to have you sit down at the table and use your fork, we wanted to see you gain balance and control of your body, and most of all we wanted to see you start to become the girl we all know is in there screaming to come out!  When all those hopes are gone I find myself crawl back to my shell of hopes and dreams for you.  
I find Hope hurts, I find that Hope is painful, Hope can't see the whole picture and is clouded from truth.  When Hope is right in front of me, I want it so bad that I would give anything to make it a reality, when it's snatched away, all I can do is feel the Hope shatter around me, feel the pain of another Hope for you gone and promise to myself that next time I won't let Hope cloud my judgement. 

When I held you for the first time and looked into your eyes, Hope started, without knowing it I Hoped for your future.  When would you smile, When would you take your first step, What will you look like on your baptism day, What college would you graduate from, Who would you marry, How many children would you have?  All these exciting hopes for the future await you, and as your mother I was thrilled to watch you take these steps throughout your life.  Yet now as I find myself with these Hopes I have to tuck them away and assure myself that all things will come in their own time and you my Sweet Malia don't have to be on anybody's time clock but your own.  You my Sweet Girl just be the amazing girl you are, and I will try my best to enjoy the small victories and small achievements regardless of what every other child your age is doing. 

In my life I have Hope for many things, I have Hope in our Savior Jesus Christ, He is a sure Hope, a true Hope and the only Hope I truly can rely on.  With this life there are no guarantees, only through Christ, and I don't Hope Malia I know that when we die and pass thorough to the other side You Will Be Whole, you will be able to speak the thoughts and feelings of your heart the way you want to so badly now.  We will know your thoughts and dreams, we will spend an Eternity together, you will be made whole, and all this pain that we feel now will be washed away and renewed through Jesus Christ and His resurrection.  THIS I DO KNOW, THIS IS MY ONLY TRUE AND LASTING HOPE!

With all my Love
-Mom

Picture day

Malia,

You can brighten up a room when you enter, and you do the funniest things.  Today we were eating dinner and Enoch was saying the prayer and you were frustrated with him because he wasn't going fast enough for you.  Yet you don't hold back any of your frustrations so you growled and said "Name Jesus Christ Amen" and started eating while the rest of us were patiently waiting as Enoch said his prayer.  You didn't blink an eye just shoveled food down the hatch as fast as you could.

Lauren was at our home and you pulled out some chips for her to eat and she said "Thank you Malia" and you waved your hand in a circle by your waist and bowed your head and said "you wecome."  as if she was royalty and you were her servant.

You are starting to get potty trained and we have had some success.  I don't like to say anything because I know at any moment you could wake up and decide your not going to do it anymore and we would be back at square one, but we have had about 2 weeks with some success!!  School, therapies, and at home, you are getting consistence everywhere you go, and I do believe it's paying off!!

We always buy your spring pictures so here's your 8 year old picture!  They said they kept trying to put your hair over your shoulder to show how pretty it was, but you would move it back, you have a fetish with hair in faces and over eyes, and you like yours back, but eventually they were able to catch one with your hair over your shoulder!

Enoch learned to ride a 2 wheeler bike this week and it was so exciting,  you have learned how to peddle a bike just in the last 6 months and I am so excited for you also.  Yet there is a sadness with him growing up and learning new things, because I wonder if these are milestones you will never reach.  Will you ever have enough coordination to ride a 2 wheeler?  I really doubt it.  These milestones that every parent just expects their child to learn is always unknown to me when it comes to you.  I know deep down inside that it doesn't matter and it's okay for you to be you.  Yet it is a loss in a way, in the fact that all the steps that are just expected don't apply to you and for me it is truly is a loss.
I love you so much, you make everyday an adventure and keep all of us on our toes.
 With all my Love our little Malia!

School Days

A call from your teacher, not uncommon, we keep in close contact throughout the week, but this call was one that I dread!
"Hi Mrs. Smith, Malia is having a hard day, she is unwilling to work.  When we put a paper in front of her she will rip it. She then pulled off her shoes and socks and threw them, we tried to calm her with taking her away from the situation, we put on her weighted vest, took her to a quiet room and read her a book, we are trying our best to help her calm.  But as soon as we bring her back into the class room she will start up again.  We thought she just needed more attention so we split off into groups, which she is in her own group but she then started ripping things off the walls and tore some pages our of my notebook.  We had to put her in a restraint chair which buckles her in, and put her in a time out.  We have lunch in 45 minutes so we will take her to lunch, get her afternoon medicine and then see how she does."
I felt a flood of emotions, sorry for your behavior and having your teachers to deal with you acting that way.  Worried for you and wondering why you are acting this way.  Frustrated, feeling helpless on how to help you work through this difficult time you are having."
"I'm so sorry, if you would like me to come get her I don't mind, I can be there in 5 minutes."
"I'll let you know after lunch.  We just wanted to keep you aware of what is happening.  We will talk soon."
With that I hung up the phone and turned to Dad who was home until lunch time. 
"Malia's on one of her fits at school."  I report to him.
"What should we do for her?" He asked with concern.
"I don't know, they will let us know after lunch if we should pick her up."
Well you seemed to settle a little after lunch so you stayed at school!

That night I thought it would be good for you to just have some time with me, so we went upstairs and I put you in the tub and just tried to talk with you, you told me you were bad at school.  My arms draped over the garden tub and you took soap and washed my arms and hands.  It was so nice and relaxing and then when it was time for bed you let me rub your back and feet while I sang to you.  It was so great, I was hoping this would help you to relax and get a good night's sleep!

The Next Day
It was 9:20 a.m. you had been in school for one hour, and I was teaching zumba. When my phone rang.
"Mrs. Smith, this is the nurse at Malia's school, Malia had a child in her class throw up.  I took her temperature and it's 99 degrees.  It's not high, but she may be getting sick,"
Deep down I knew you weren't sick, but that you were having another hard day and they were already done.
"Okay I will come and get her, would you like me to pick her up in your office or from her classroom?"
"I'll keep her here until you come."
"Okay, I'll see you soon."
I left my zumba early and headed to school when I received a text from your classroom.
"Sorry we had someone in our room throw up, so we checked every one's temps, hers was a little high, but I think she was just warm, we will keep her if that's okay with you, sorry for the phone call earlier."
That was a relief to me! Glad you were feeling okay and that you were doing better in class this day.
But it didn't last, you were determined that I was coming to get you, so you made sure everyone knew you were upset.  You took off your shirt again, so they had to put your jacket on you backwards and zip it up the back, then you tore posters off the walls and work papers, you pounded on your desk and screamed uncontrollably, so they had to put you in the restraint chair again!  AHHH it was more than a mom can handle and I'm sure your teachers cold handle.

So the next morning, which is today you were already starting in the the screaming, fighting with Enoch and throwing things, so I called the school and told them you were sick and needed a day off.  So you have been home with me, and for the most part been good. 
The worst part is, you can't open up and tell me why you are upset, you can't tell me what is going in inside that pretty red head of yours.  As your mother I love you unconditionally and have a constant desire to understand you better and help you work through trials, but here I am again, only able to treat the symptoms, because I don't know the diagnosis! 

I LOVE you girly, I pray for you everyday and just hope that all that I am doing will be enough when it is all said and done!
With all a Mother's Love

Bath Time!

Oh Malia some days I don't know how I will make it.  Yesterday I chugged along with The Little Engine That Could with the words "I think I can I think I can." I kept reminding myself that all I had to do was make it through the next 5 minutes.   
Five minutes at a time!! Most mornings are like that!

This morning was especially that way.  In the night you had gotten into the kitchen and eaten something that was crumbled throughout your hair.  I had just bathed you that night so I tried to give you a quick wash down, but it's never quick or easy.  You enjoy splashing me, you also are on a new kick of crying like a baby.  You seem to do it continually and louder and more aggressive when you are agitated.  It is very hard on our ears and if we ask you to stop you do it louder and longer.  So I  tried to talk calmly to try and distract you, while I get soaked.  You love to take water in your hands and throw it at me.  I turn you around to get your hair better and dodge the water being thrown at me, but this results in you twisting sideways to get your aim.  All the while you crying louder like a baby! I try to keep you straight, but you are strong and I always worry about hurting your tiny little body so I do the best I can to keep myself dry and wash your hair at the same time.  Bath's in the morning are avoided at all costs, but sometimes inevitable! Today was one of those days!

Mornings with Malia

Malia,

I could fill a book with the events of each morning with YOU!  Everyone and everything gets put on hold until you are on the bus and headed to school. Except Breckell's hair because she has to go to violin each morning!  Your sisters pack their own lunches, and gets completly ready for school on their own while I wrangle with you each morning.  
A few days ago was an especially exciting morning.  You run in our room at 6am saying the notirious words "mom, I'm hungry!"  your declration to me that it's time to get out of bed, and if I don't you will help yourself to the pantry food; which is the only door we haven't put an upper lock on YET, but trust me it's on the list of things to do!  So I get out of bed and take you to the bathroom where you will argue that you don't need to go potty, but I plead with you to "just try", sometimes I win, sometimes you win!

Either way we end up in the kitchen at 6:10 am while you talk nonstop, (nothing that I can understand, just lots of rambling) this will also entail wines of complaints if  I don't get you what you want to eat, or if I'm insistant that we aren't turning on the TV this early in the morning. It always surprises me how everyone else can sleep through your complaints and tantrums, but I guess they have come accustome to it!
After all the fits are done and you have your food and ipad turned on you will calm down in between bites while you shovel in food as fast as you can.  Sitting still if so hard for you especially in the morning!  You need lots of sensory like the TV (we do your ipad) you need to chew on something (food) you need to be moving so we will have out your exercise ball or vibrating pillow.  These will usually calm you down for a little bit.  At this point I will get your drink ready that you have to take, get your medicines ready for the day.  When you are finished eating you will come upstairs with me while I get Breckell up and do her hair, this is the scary time when anything is possible!  

Brecekll and I were in the bathroom doing her hair when you came in and jumped into our garden tub.  You love to get in there with your clothes on and turn on the faucet and drench yourself.  You were so fast I didn't get you out before you got drenched down the front of your shirt and pants.  So I took off your wet clothes and told you that I would be able to help you get dressed in a minute, I thought you had left, but you must have snuck back in because next thing I know you are in the tub again screaming "I bleeding" I turn quickly to see your finger bleeding heavily.  I ran some water and tried to clean the cut so I could tell more closely what had cut you.  The blood was coming so fast I couldn't tell what had happened "what cut you Malia"  I asked, you pointed to the shaving razor laying on the side of the tub.  I wrapped your finger in a towel to put pressure on it so we could at least put a bandaid on it.  We went downstairs to get one on, but it bled right through the first bandaid.  I didn't know a razor would make such a cut.  Four bandaids later we got enough pressure on it to stop the bleeding.  You were crying and upset by what had happened.  I brought you back upstairs with me and tried to finish Breckell's hair whom was now late for violin.  Then Timbrlee walks in and yells Malia don't touch the razors, I turn around again to see you without any control touching the sharp part of the razor yet again.  I still haven't figured out why you do this, but it's an obsession when something happens you have to go back to the scene replay it!  So SCARRY for a mother!  We quickly put up the razors and finished Breckells hair!  Oh what a patient sisters you have!
I want's going to leave you alone for a minute so I wrap you in a robe and take you with me to drop off Breckell.  
We come back into the house and you see a cup of water on the counter that you push off the counter which splashes orange juice all over the counter and floor, because you upset over what I don't know.  So I have to put you in your room for a time out, after 3 minutes I come in not shocked one bit to see you have shredded 2 books, taken a pen and wrote on the walls and bit your toys which some are now ruined.  I walk calmly into your room and tell you it's not nice to push cups off the counter.  "okay" you say.  So I take a deep breath and tell myself it's going to be okay.  "Let's get you dressed"  I say walking to your dresser.  You jump on your bed
screaming at the top of your lungs some jumbled words I don't understand.  After picking out your outfit for the day I wonder how I'm going to get you to hold still long enough to put them on you.  "Okay Malia, we need to get you dressed now, so could you get off the bed and let me help you?"
"No"  more singing off pitch and loudly
"Malia, your bus will be here soon and you aren't dressed."
No response
"Okay Malia if you will let me help you get dressed I will turn on the TV for you before the bus comes."  This is your trigger.
You jump down and tornado through putting your clothes on, which is never graceful or pretty, but somehow you have clothes on and that's enough for me!  
I give in and turn on the TV and you become mesmerized until your bus comes.  
"Whew I did it" I tell Yolanda your bus driver as Malia takes her seat.
"Oh girl you go take a nap, you deserved it!" Yolanda tells me.
"Yes I think I will."  I close the door and walk into the kitchen which is blown apart, but hey I made it through another morning!  Man I can do anything, guess that nap will have to wait!

Music Therapy

Music session held by Stephanie.
Malia was dropped off by dad. She did not transition easily. Dad hugged her to say goodbye, and Malia's eyes immediately began watering profusely. The therapist gently took her hand and said they were going to music so she didn't need to worry. She smiled and followed the therapist but still appeared shaken. She immediately got out the schedule and opened it up, and the therapist reminded her that the hello song comes before the schedule. She smiled and nodded and found a chair to sit in. She played through the first verse fine but began to frown and become sad during the second. She started crying a little bit, and the therapist asked her if she wanted to just listen to the rest of the song to which she said yes. The therapist played the remainder of the song, and Malia went to the corner to cry. The therapist asked if she was sad about her dad hugging her outside and waiting too long, and she said yes. She attempted to tell her that her dad simply loved her and just wanted a hug goodbye, but this did not seem to help. The therapist turned her back to her and blew bubbles and played the I spy game with colors. Malia engaged in the I spy game after a few verses and agreed to going outside to pop bubbles with castanets. It took 15 minutes for Malia to calm down to do this. Upon coming back inside for music, the therapist asked what was next on the schedule. Malia took off her boots, and sand poured out of the boots all over the carpet. The therapist said, "uh-oh", and Malia began crying. She was consoled when the therapist offered the solution that it wasn't a big deal since it could be vacuumed up easily. She helped the therapist find the vacuum, plug it in, and turn it out, and return it. After this, Malia still refused to use the schedule. The therapist got out the ocean drum, a preferred instrument and Malia asked for it. The therapist attempted to play with it, but Malia tore it away and said no. The therapist said that the instrument needed to be shared or else she could not play with it. Malia turned away and held onto it, showing that she clearly did not want to give it to the therapist. The therapist took it away and explained that she could have it back if she shared. She became behavioral and cried while kicking the wall. She also tried to knock a few things over. These behaviors were ignored. Objects that she attempted to throw were immediately taken out of her range, and she appeared upset by this. The therapist once again turned her back to Malia and engaged in play with a Mr. Potato head and put things in the wrong places which made Malia laugh. Malia would come over, put the items in the correct place on the potato head, and then return back to her corner. She finally sat down to play with it after about 5 minutes of this and played with the potato head with the therapist.

 
My Precious little Malia,
I have been very sick this last month.  I went to the ER a 4 days before your 8th birthday.  Your world got turned upside down.  Dad stayed home for a week, Lauren took care of you and the house.  Dad took care of Halloween, your birthday, my birthday and tried to keep a routine for you, but it has thrown you over board.  This has been so hard for you and although I am up and doing more now, you are still struggling. 
Lately you seem to take bad words and saying them over and over again.  You can't control it you will cover your mouth to try to keep them from coming.  It is so sad to see you struggle with this.  You've also been sticking out your tongue profusely.  It has become a major problem for all who work with you, and you often will get your color changed at school for doing so. 
I feel so helpless. As a mother I have an inner desire to help you over come your obstacles.  Yet our communication is blocked.  I often feel as though I am talking to a wall when I try to talk with you.  The basic such as where are we going, what do you want to eat.  These are easy topics.  Yet anything to do with school, behavior, tooth fairy, church, relationships.  This is the block!  These things aren't tangible and thus we are at a stand still with our communication.  This tears at my heart, I year to bond with you in this way.  I want nothing more than to know how you are feeling, what are you thinking, how was school?  Yet this is our life, this is what we were given and I can only have the hope that all these things shall give us experience and be for our good.

I love you Malia, your trials are large, you must feel so trapped not being able to express your thoughts, you must feel lonely and misunderstood often.  This breaks my heart, yet I don't know how to help.  I do all I can and hope that in the end it will be enough.
I love you, I adore you, you are a treasure, a true gift and miracle from Heavenly Father.
With all my love
-Mommy