We were at the movies in the bathroom and a girl was holding a bag of popcorn, you just stuck your hand into her bag and grabbed yourself a helping of her popcorn. The poor girl about 10 years old looked at you then me in utter astonishment and held her bag closer to herself. I apologized and took hold of both of your hands as we walked out of the bathroom.
Also we have a man in our ward who you think looks like Presidnet Monson, and when you see him you don't hesitate to yell out to him "Hi President Monson" even if it's in the middle of sacrament.
We had a trunk-or-treat the day before your birthday at the church. They had a photo booth there and Dad was passing out candy and I was talking with friends, keeping an eye on you every so often as you had fun on the grass. When the pictures came back developed I was embarrassed to find you had gotten into many peoples pictures, weather you were sitting with them, or running in front of the camera just as she was taking it, but sure enough there you were just enjoying the photo shoot, all for you or so you thought!
Dear Malia
It's been so long since I last wrote, so much has happened I don't know where to begin.
Well of course your potty training went out the window and we are back to changing your diaper. You started second grade, and have a new teacher, the first time in 21/2 years. You've done okay with the change, and your loving school! You turned 9 years old and had your first friend birthday party. It was at the park by our house, very low key and you loved it. It was a place you were comfortable with, and all people you knew and were comfortable with. Leann Merkley in our ward made you a beautiful cake, which of course was Halloween themed, since you birthday is on Halloween. Christina Andreson is working with you right now and she is adorable, you two are adorable together!!
This summer turned your world upside down. We enrolled you in a program called Brain Balance. It's in St.George so we spent the summer with Grandma and Grandpa Thurgood where we enrolled you in this intense 90 day program. We changed you to a gluten free, dairy free and sugar free diet. Oh and not to mention screen free!! We did exercises with you 3-4 times a day that lasted between 30-60 minutes. In between exercises and making food that you could eat we took you horse riding everyday, sometimes we would go hiking or swimming, just anything to get you outside and experiencing new things. It was exhausting work, and seemed to take every ounce of energy, time and planning. Then 3 days a week we would take you down to Brain Balance and you would have an hour long therapy session.
When we started Brain Balance we were hoping to see great results, we were hoping to see signs of a child who could cope with the world around her better. We had 2 goals for you, to get you potty trained and to see you gain some self control. Unfortunately with all the money, time and frustration we didn't get the results we were hoping for. Right at first you started sleeping in a bed which you hadn't ever done, I though "Oh my gosh, this is going to change our lives." But besides you starting to sing a few words to a song we didn't see any change at all. It was so discouraging to spend all that money, time, effort, and sacrifice on many people's lives to have them dashed after it was over.
At the end when talking with Brain Balance they said because you do struggle so much, you would have to be in the program for a year or more before we would see any the real changes we were looking for. This was such a sad time for me, I could have screamed at the lady in charge when she gave me excuses why we didn't see the results we were hoping for. The worst one was "Maybe you didn't really do all the therapy's at home that we told you to." It's a good thing I can hold my tongue because I wanted to rip her one. I felt cheated, lied to, used, and all the sacrifice and hard work that all of us, especially Grandma and Gramdpa Thrugood was thrown out the window with her shallow comments on it being our fault.
More than being mad at her, I was sad for you. All we wanted from this was to see you pull out of your cloudy and frustrating world. We wanted to see you talk with us and be able to express your true feelings, we wanted to have you sit down at the table and use your fork, we wanted to see you gain balance and control of your body, and most of all we wanted to see you start to become the girl we all know is in there screaming to come out! When all those hopes are gone I find myself crawl back to my shell of hopes and dreams for you.
I find Hope hurts, I find that Hope is painful, Hope can't see the whole picture and is clouded from truth. When Hope is right in front of me, I want it so bad that I would give anything to make it a reality, when it's snatched away, all I can do is feel the Hope shatter around me, feel the pain of another Hope for you gone and promise to myself that next time I won't let Hope cloud my judgement.
When I held you for the first time and looked into your eyes, Hope started, without knowing it I Hoped for your future. When would you smile, When would you take your first step, What will you look like on your baptism day, What college would you graduate from, Who would you marry, How many children would you have? All these exciting hopes for the future await you, and as your mother I was thrilled to watch you take these steps throughout your life. Yet now as I find myself with these Hopes I have to tuck them away and assure myself that all things will come in their own time and you my Sweet Malia don't have to be on anybody's time clock but your own. You my Sweet Girl just be the amazing girl you are, and I will try my best to enjoy the small victories and small achievements regardless of what every other child your age is doing.
In my life I have Hope for many things, I have Hope in our Savior Jesus Christ, He is a sure Hope, a true Hope and the only Hope I truly can rely on. With this life there are no guarantees, only through Christ, and I don't Hope Malia I know that when we die and pass thorough to the other side You Will Be Whole, you will be able to speak the thoughts and feelings of your heart the way you want to so badly now. We will know your thoughts and dreams, we will spend an Eternity together, you will be made whole, and all this pain that we feel now will be washed away and renewed through Jesus Christ and His resurrection. THIS I DO KNOW, THIS IS MY ONLY TRUE AND LASTING HOPE!
With all my Love
-Mom
