Malia's Pregnancy

Dear Malia

I started a book about your early life about 4 years ago.  I haven't touched it since.  Since I have stated this blog I thought I would add segments from your book.  Here is some events that took place before your birth! I hope you enjoy it!

Nights when Cimmaron was doing homework or working late, I found my highlights in the scriptures. How I love to study and learn from the scriptures! I would study and pray in the nightly stillness. During these cherished moments of study and prayer my mind was often opened to knowledge and inspiration. One December night will forever remain etched in my memory. The girls were all tucked into bed. My thoughts were on the Christmas Season as I settled into my favorite chair. The Savior’s birth became the focus of my studies. Suddenly, I felt awed by the love God must have had for Mary for being willing to put her life on the line as well as suffer the persecution of carrying a child out of wedlock; yet because of her experience she was not ashamed. How priceless a child is to a mother. While feeling the spirit strong in my heart, a feeling came so strong to me that we needed to have another baby, because there was a Special Spirit waiting to come to earth and this little one needed to come soon. My eyes flooded with tears, the thought of a Special Spirit coming to our home and us getting the opportunity to raise this precious child was overwhelmingly powerful! I was overcome with joy! As soon as Cimmaron came home I related, the spiritual experience to him. Of course he had no reservations and whisked me off my feet carrying me to the bedroom.

There was a day in my pregnancy that I was waiting for more than any other. We all know what day that is because anyone who’s been pregnant at least 20 weeks knows it’s incredible to see your child whom you have sacrificed your whole well being for the last 20 weeks making its first TV appearance! The ultrasound day! A movie star in the making!

We all piled into the used Honda Odyssey we bought for our soon-to-be family of five and drove to the doctor’s office! The anticipation was almost more than I could bear. I know we are never supposed to want a boy or a girl and you just take what you get and rejoice, just hoping the baby is healthy, right? I mean, that’s what I hear all the time, “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl as long as it’s healthy!” “Healthy” is a figure of speech. What does that mean? “Healthy” as in they are breathing and have five fingers and toes? Or as in they are a calm, happy, sweet baby in body and mind.  So all I wanted was a, happy healthy baby BOY! Right. It only makes sense. We had two beautiful girls, what more could I want for my special baby that God has promise me than to have a BOY to add to our family and fulfill His promise? I had it all figured out. God was sending me a special baby BOY. Don’t get me wrong here, I love my girls and I would love a house full of them. I wouldn’t trade my girls for any boy any day. But it just seems like everybody should get some of each, and I was in line to get my boy.

Also, you have to know that I hadn’t breathed a word of this BOY stuff to Cimmaron, whether it was because we saw so little of each other or I just wanted it to be a surprise that we were finally getting a boy, I am not sure. But now that we were driving to the ultrasound, I sure wasn’t going to tell him now. I was going to let it be a surprise for him and watch his face when the tech says “It looks like a boy”.

Walking into the doctor’s office Sally, Doctor Fowers receptionist greeted me “Hi! Today is the big day!” She glanced behind me as I made my way to the front desk to sign in. 
“Oh, look you brought the whole crew,” noticing my family behind me. “I bet they are excited to see your new little one!” I nodded 
“yea, their excited to have a new baby in our home.” Sally knew me well through all the visits and she seemed kind, and considerate
“Two girls huh, I bet Daddy’s hoping for a boy!” 
“Auctually,” I admitted “We haven’t talked about it,” 
“Oh I see.” Nodding a secret understanding. “Okay your all checked in, just have a seat, I’ll let them know you’re here.”

After a short wait a tech called me back “Stacee Smith” I heard her call as the side office door opened. Butterflies filled my stomach while we moved through the door and made our way to the back room. Onto the table, up with the shirt, on with the warm blue goo. The screen lit up with our movie star. He was perfect and healthy as far as the ultrasound could tell: 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, and 2 legs. Everything proportioned in just the right way and growing handsomely. Then came the moment “would you like to know the sex of your baby?” the tech asked. Cimmaron and I answer in unison, “Yes!” She moves the stick around to get just the right angle and presents our movie star! But there was a big problem. Our Super Hero was looking a whole lot like the other Movie Stars I had seen up on that TV screen and I didn’t believe it. “It looks like a girl” she announced glancing at our two beautiful girls. “Could you check again?” I asked, sometimes these techs can make a mistake, and I wasn’t going to let that happen to me. She found the spot and froze the screen. “If you look here these are her legs.” She said while moving the mouse. “This in the middle of her legs which indicates for sure, it’s a girl.” “Could you get a different angle?” I pleaded “Just to make sure?” “Yea…okay here’s a little different angle, and it’s for sure a girl.” She had been so patient with me so I shut my mouth and let her finish measuring and typing while I laid in silence.

Walking out the office Sally’ voice rang “so what are you having?” I stared at her blankly and couldn’t form the word “Girl”. I just kept walking as if she were speaking another language; and I almost thought she was, I was so beside myself. I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. Luckily Cimmaron was close and answered in an upbeat tone, “It’s a Girl.” The excitement I heard in his voice was painful to my heart. He seemed happy about this!! The thought was beyond me. How could he be happy? Every step I took after that seemed long and painful, a dark cloud settled over me and as we made our way to the van, I climbed into the driver’s side, put the key in the ignition and stared into oblivion. Cimmaron spoke to me a  “What is wrong?” I slowly turned my head to look at him, as our eyes met I exploded into tears. I cried so long and hard Cimmaron thought about going back in there and getting me some professional help. He had no idea why I was crying or what could possible upset me this much. The kind patient man he is, he let his big girl cry.  I came to some sort of sense just enough to murmur, “It’s a girl.” By that time all logic had gone out the window and Cimmaron was completely dumbfounded. This whole time he really didn’t care weather it was a boy or a girl and he certainly had no idea that I cared. This brought on another wave of emotion and I cried all over again. At this point I’m sure he was wishing he had beaten me to the driver’s side. At least he could have been driving while I was crying and slobbering all over the place.

Before we go any further I do have to say something in my defense. Remember, I am pregnant. On the nest means emotional. So with that in my defense I am proud to say I did end up driving home without killing us or anyone else.

If all this pregnancy stuff wasn’t fun enough for me already, I got one final blow. My back gave out. The pain made it so I could hardly walk up those three flights of stairs to our apartment. So with all the fun of fall in Logan I was scared to climb my stairs to get home, let alone have to carry my little Breckell and sometimes Timbrlee if she refused to walk, which was often the case. Not that I blame her, I would have loved to have someone carry ME up those stairs! So we spent much of our time at home. Grocery shopping became a thing of the past,  Cimmaron went shopping after his busy day. And with daddy shopping we ended up with lots of cereal and fruit, guess that's good because I couldn’t stand long enough to cook anyway!

Somewhere between all these health issues I was still in a cloud of “It’s a Girl.” I literally couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone, except the one person I knew would understand my oldest dear sister Sandy who has been blessed with four beautiful healthy girls. I called and cried to her. She listened and understood, although she hadn’t experienced the depression that was covering me now.

Depression is an interesting thing. I don’t really understand why I was feeling so down in the first place. I tried to lift the chin and put on a happy face, but deep down there was a dark cloud which followed me wherever I went, and no matter how hard I couldn't shake it. This is very real and at some time in all of our lives we may experience it, some more sever than others, but it is real; and while we are under that cloud it usually takes something big to make the clouds part. Well, at this time in my life I knew why I was feeling low, but it didn’t make sense why it would linger so long. I mean I’m having a baby, a Special Spirit, I should get over this and rejoice. I knew this... yet the dark cloud loomed over me in despair. I woke up every morning in my pajamas, and stayed in them all day. I didn’t want company over, and I surly didn’t want to confess that my depression was due to the fact that “It’s a girl.” On top of being depressed, I felt guilty for feeling depressed, I felt like the worst mom in the world, how could I even be worthy to carry this Special Spirit now? Here I was pregnant and supposed to be excited to have this child which God had promised me, yet I wasn’t happy. To say the least, I was a complete wreck. I stayed in my pajamas and mopped around the house.

One bright spot in life was my weekly worship in the temple. Cimmaron and I had to trade off watching the children, so we both had to fare temple attendance alone, but I still attended faithfully every week. It had been eight weeks since our ultrasound and I was starting to show the roundness of pregnancy. Waddling down our apartments three flights of stairs, I pulled myself into the van to attend my weekly worship.

Driving through Logan is like playing hopscotch. Every road connects to the other road in town so you can take a different route every time and still end up at your destination. On this day I chose a back road which “T”d at a high school. I stopped at the stop sign and starred at the school. With the cloud still hanging over me I cried all over again, just right there at the stop sign, staring at the school. Luckily the roads were desolate. I thought of Timbrlee and Breckell and how smart and beautiful and how fast they were growing. I imagined them going to school someday, dating, driving, college and becoming mothers, and the precious day when I will get to be a Grandmother. Then my thoughts turned to this precious baby in my growing round belly and asked out loud what Heavenly Father wants of me with this child. I bawled and bawled and bawled. The cloud that had been hanging over my head now had settled over me. It pierced my heart, mind and soul. The ache was so strong it engulfed me and I hung over the steering wheel with heaps of sobs. I still don’t understand it, yet I let it all out there at the stop sign. I repented for being so unwilling to accept whatever the Lord has in store for me. I repented for being an unprofitable servant these last weeks; and I repented for wallowing in my own pity and doubt. I promised to accept His will and told Him I will do whatever it is He wants from me. At that moment, a light rested upon my mind and as clear as day I heard Him say, “This child is so beautiful, joy will fill your home with her presence.” The clouds parted, peace filled me heart, complete joy engulfed every fiber of my body and I was free.

The last months of pregnancy were peaceful and slow. My excitement was full in preparing for this new baby. If I was not taking care of our two little girls, I was busy making a baby blanket, washing clothes, bedding, and preparing a nursery, Our spacious three bedroom apartment was filling up fast!

Music therapy

Dear Malia,

You started music therapy a few weeks ago.  It was a hard step for you, anything that changes is so hard.  The first session I went back with you, which the facility doesn't normally like to do, but the therapist could tell you were really needing me.  You clung to my neck and cried.  I had to eventually just leave you in the therapy room screaming and clawing at the door as I left.  It broke my heart but I just remembered the story of Temple Grandin that her mom pushed her to do hard things, so she could gain confidence in herself.  So I left you crying, while i cried with you. 

I called later to find that you had calmed down.  Well the next session was worse.  When you saw the therapist you threw yourself on the ground and wouldn't go with her.  The therapist is a tiny little thing and with you throwing yourself and kicking she was unable to carry you, so she had to get help from another therapist to carry you into the building.  It again broke my heart.  I thought if this doesn't change soon I am not going to send you to music.   Yet I know how much you love music and I knew you would learn so much. Music is so good for the brain and I wanted so bad for you to go.... but not at your expense. 

So the third time we were driving there  I called the therapist and asked her if she would be waiting for us and just whisk you off before you had a chance to start a fit.  It worked!!!  It all happened so fast you just went with her wondering what happened.  Since then you have had 3 more sessions all big successes!  You now ask everyday "I go yife today?"  Life is the name of the facility where you receive your therapies.  It has been great to see you transform!  Here is an email from your music therapist in your last session.  She is very happy with how you are transitioning!


Malia transitioned easily. She was a little hesitant to give up her flash cards she had brought along but was reminded that she gets to see cards during music, which seemed to help. Hello song: Malia sat down today relatively quickly and only needed a little reminder to do so. She is doing better with understanding the routine of this rather than going to the bookcase or drawers to try to pull things out. After strumming in the hello song, the therapist created a schedule for her to follow, and she sat very quietly waiting for it to be done. She enjoyed the schedule today and appeared comforted by having something to look at visually to see what was next. 

 

Oral motor: Needed moderate prompting to work on a frown face, fish face, and licking her upper lip. The last of these was the hardest, but she made some progress in moving her tongue to her top lip. Sequencing: Malia loved the Halloween brewing song today. She got to wear a witch hat and a cowboy hat to dress up, which was discovered to be very rewarding for her. She needed moderate to maximum prompting to follow the steps, name creepy things to put into the witch's brew, and stir with drum sticks. She also needed prompting to tell the therapist when she was ready to be done. Body part recognition: Worked on singing body parts and putting them onto a Mr. Potato head. Malia seems to get overwhelmed with a lot of choices when everything is on the floor and does better with a smaller choice field.

Way to go Malia!  Love you so much!
xoxo
-Mom

Cheer leading

Malia, 

You are in special Needs Cheer Leading sponsored by Aunt Sandy and Uncle Brett! 

You love it and beg to go everyday!  You call it "cheewing"  guess it's a hard word to say! The girl that works with you is Baylie and you love her!  You two are so so cute together!  It's so fun seeing you enjoy something this much!

You were awarded Student of the Month for October!  That was fun you, and Dad had that morning off so he was able to come and see you receive your certificate!  When you were in Kindergarten you received an award for attendance, but you were to scared to go up and get it, I had to carry you.  Look at you now 2 years later!  Walking up there like such a big girl smiling your big smile and walking up there by yourself!  You are growing up my little darling!

Speaking of growing up you learned how to buckle your seat belt last week!  It was a big happy day for me!  You finally decided you were going to do it and you did!  Look at all you can do when you put your mind to it!  Now all of my four children can buckle themselves!  Wahoo!  If we could just get you potty trained!

Close to Jesus

Dear Malia,

I received a precious letter from a friend a few days ago and I feel that I must share it with you! Her letter read:

"Hayden (her son, older than you but also diagnosed with autism) has talked about Malia a couple of times since you came over.  Hayden isn't one that really reaches out to new people, especially younger kids and girls.  When Malia asked if we had toys and Hayden went in the toy room and played with her I was shocked, I figured he'd take her back there and go on to do his thing.  When he played the Ipad with her I was again amazed.  If he has the Ipad there is no focus, no sharing.  He is mesmerized by it.  So teaching Malia how to play was surprising.  

When you left he said "Mom, there is something very special about that girl."  He added, "I feel like I do when I'm with the Savior when she is around."  

"Do you know how special she is to Heavenly Father? She is definitely one of His favorites.  She is precious to Him."  He continues to talk about her sweetness and incredibly strong spirit.  He also thinks she is super cute."

What a treasure!  A note every mother would be touched by.  Tears came to my eyes as I read this priceless note.  I felt honored to be your mother, and a swell of responsibility of being your mother. I'm so grateful for Jerlyn taking the time to tell me of this small but precious moment! 

Malia

You are a gift, a precious girl to all who are honored to know you! Thanks you for touching those around you and helping us to feel closer to our Heavenly Father!

Love you lots!

-Mom

Diagnosis

The day you were diagnosed with autism is a day I will not forget. It was a lengthy day full of meetings with 3 different doctors each an hour or more depending on the doctor. I was exhausted by the end and in complete denial. How in just a few hours could I have your future ripped from me. I didn't understand what really was happening through much of the visits, I didn't even know we were there to consider autism, your primary care physician had put it on his referral, but I had no idea and hadn’t even been consulted with anyone about autism. If I had to do it over I would have had dad by my side, for I felt as though I was falling into a black hole as I sat across the doctors table and he broke the news to me that his diagnosis for you was autism. I told him no, but he had done the tests, he had already talked with me and he could see things that I as your mother refused to see. You were also exhausted from the days meetings, so to calm you I was holding you, rubbing your tummy as you stared blankly upward. He pointed out that even this small ritual we did was in fact part of your autism. I walked numbly from his office, our last appointment of the day was over and I felt as though my life was over.  I  drove the 30 minutes to our home where I would be teaching dance within the hour, feeling numb, disconnected, and emotionally drained.

Five, six, seven, eight I yelled as my dancers practiced their routine, still in a daze and trying to put on my best face to welcomed the newest dancer onto the floor. She had come in late, I welcomed her with a hello and showed her where to stand. I looked into her face, she was younger than you and yet she was normal.... normal, is that what I will see from now on, all these "NORMAL" children while I have a "SPECIAL" child.... no it can't be true, I won't accept it. I can get you some therapy, you will be able to catch up and grow with other children your age. It will be hard work, but so worth it! I held back the tears and kept moving.

Half way through the class you came down to see the dancers. You love music, you connect with it, so you will often come down and listen. The mother who had brought her dancer for the fist time today beckoned you over to sit by her. Reluctant at first you sat by yourself looking at your flash cards. But by the end of the class, and with much persistence on her behalf, you smiled at her, walked over and showed her your flash cards. When dance class was over I came to talk with her on how her daughter did, you jumped off the couch and walked out to the dance floor walking in circles going into your world of flash cards. The mother and I talked about her daughter, and when finished she said “your red headed daughter is so special.” “Thank you” I said, wanting to be done with class and crawl into a hole and cry myself into oblivion!  Yet she wasn't done talking, so I pretended to be happy. “She wasn't sure if she wanted to sit with me at first, but she finally did come, she didn't speak to me at all, but her spirit is so pure.” My eyes filled with tears, she was right, Malia you are so pure, and sweet, it was then that she spoke the words that will forever pierce my heart. 
“I feel that she and Jesus are the closest of friends. She knows him and I feel that she is one of his most precious spirits.” 

 I didn't know this woman, this was the first time I had met her. Yet she was speaking the words I needed to hear. I informed her of your doctors appointments today. A precious moment for both of us, Heavenly Father had sent her to my life at the exact moment I needed to hear words of comfort. He knows you, he loves you Malia and he is in the very fabric of our lives! Autism.... an ugly word, a word that nobody wants to hear their child has, yet God has sent you this way for a reason, and I know that you are here for us. Thank you Malia, for sacrificing yourself to help others feel closer to Heavenly Father! I Love YOU Malia!

Xoxo

-Mom