Diagnosis

The day you were diagnosed with autism is a day I will not forget. It was a lengthy day full of meetings with 3 different doctors each an hour or more depending on the doctor. I was exhausted by the end and in complete denial. How in just a few hours could I have your future ripped from me. I didn't understand what really was happening through much of the visits, I didn't even know we were there to consider autism, your primary care physician had put it on his referral, but I had no idea and hadn’t even been consulted with anyone about autism. If I had to do it over I would have had dad by my side, for I felt as though I was falling into a black hole as I sat across the doctors table and he broke the news to me that his diagnosis for you was autism. I told him no, but he had done the tests, he had already talked with me and he could see things that I as your mother refused to see. You were also exhausted from the days meetings, so to calm you I was holding you, rubbing your tummy as you stared blankly upward. He pointed out that even this small ritual we did was in fact part of your autism. I walked numbly from his office, our last appointment of the day was over and I felt as though my life was over.  I  drove the 30 minutes to our home where I would be teaching dance within the hour, feeling numb, disconnected, and emotionally drained.

Five, six, seven, eight I yelled as my dancers practiced their routine, still in a daze and trying to put on my best face to welcomed the newest dancer onto the floor. She had come in late, I welcomed her with a hello and showed her where to stand. I looked into her face, she was younger than you and yet she was normal.... normal, is that what I will see from now on, all these "NORMAL" children while I have a "SPECIAL" child.... no it can't be true, I won't accept it. I can get you some therapy, you will be able to catch up and grow with other children your age. It will be hard work, but so worth it! I held back the tears and kept moving.

Half way through the class you came down to see the dancers. You love music, you connect with it, so you will often come down and listen. The mother who had brought her dancer for the fist time today beckoned you over to sit by her. Reluctant at first you sat by yourself looking at your flash cards. But by the end of the class, and with much persistence on her behalf, you smiled at her, walked over and showed her your flash cards. When dance class was over I came to talk with her on how her daughter did, you jumped off the couch and walked out to the dance floor walking in circles going into your world of flash cards. The mother and I talked about her daughter, and when finished she said “your red headed daughter is so special.” “Thank you” I said, wanting to be done with class and crawl into a hole and cry myself into oblivion!  Yet she wasn't done talking, so I pretended to be happy. “She wasn't sure if she wanted to sit with me at first, but she finally did come, she didn't speak to me at all, but her spirit is so pure.” My eyes filled with tears, she was right, Malia you are so pure, and sweet, it was then that she spoke the words that will forever pierce my heart. 
“I feel that she and Jesus are the closest of friends. She knows him and I feel that she is one of his most precious spirits.” 

 I didn't know this woman, this was the first time I had met her. Yet she was speaking the words I needed to hear. I informed her of your doctors appointments today. A precious moment for both of us, Heavenly Father had sent her to my life at the exact moment I needed to hear words of comfort. He knows you, he loves you Malia and he is in the very fabric of our lives! Autism.... an ugly word, a word that nobody wants to hear their child has, yet God has sent you this way for a reason, and I know that you are here for us. Thank you Malia, for sacrificing yourself to help others feel closer to Heavenly Father! I Love YOU Malia!

Xoxo

-Mom